I knew this would happen

So the last time I blogged was November 30, 2010.  My deepest apologies to the 3 people who read this for taking such an extended leave of absence (the holidays were mighty busy this year!)  Exercising was replaced by consuming massive amounts of Christmas cookies, cupcakes, and carbs.  I re-injured my knee (more to follow later) and have been too scared to exercise since the holidays ended for fear of making the damage worse. Tomorrow I shall find out exactly what is wrong and what can be done about it.  Needless to say I've put on some pounds, BUT I did not have a single panic attack during the oh so stressful holiday season. This is quite an accomplishment for me!  I'd rather have a wonderful Christmas and New Years with some extra padding around my tummy (and butt, and thighs, etc.) than be miserable with anxiety and losing weight unhealthily.  I'll have much more to write about later this week. Stay tuned!!

Off the Wagon

So I've completely slacked on blogging. My apologies.  Getting ready for Thanksgiving kinda got in the way.  The week before the holiday I was so good! I took my exercise up a notch and started doing kickboxing (thank you OnDemand exercise channel).  After 5 minutes I was sweating and by 20 I was exhausted and wanted to yell at the crazy instructor lady who wanted me to give her 8 more jumping jacks, but didn't have the energy.  Thanksgiving week I was busy grocery shopping, baking and packing and exercise fell off the radar.  I stuffed myself with carbs and (nondairy) butter and apple pie.  When it was time to go back to work my pants were just a wee bit snug and I was a little upset with myself, but it's the holidays people! You're supposed to indulge!  There is already a list a mile long of foods I can't have thanks to my milk allergy.  I'm not about to make that list longer and deprive myself even more.  I had a doctors appointment today and was dreading getting on the scale.  I used to ask the nurses to not tell me my weight, but they always did (bitches) so I stopped asking and just look off to the side and ignore the numbers that keep going up.  This time I was pleasantly surprised...and a little confused.  I've lost 3 pounds! How the hell did that happen?!  I didn't exercise for a week and went off the rails with high calorie, high carb, fattening foods!  Could it be that my metabolism is finally getting, just a little, back on track? It takes some time for your body to adjust to a change in medication dosage and maybe decreasing the paxil from 30mg to 15mg is a contributing factor.I stopped taking the lexapro. I know you're supposed to give it a few weeks to work out all the kinks, but I hated the way it was making me feel.  I couldn't concentrate to save my damn life and this has never happened to me before. I am an extremely focused person and all of a sudden I was forgetting things, getting confused easily and it was affecting my work performance.  The day after I stopped taking it my brain snapped back into place.  I don't know if the lexapro has anything to do with the weight-loss. I wasn't on it for more than a week so I doubt it helped which gives me hope that you can lose weight while on paxil!!  I've read on so many forums that no matter what people do they can't lose weight while on paxil.  Well maybe you can.  I do think that your dose completely affects how much weight you gain.  For me, the higher the dosage, the more weight I gain.  I'm going to keep exercising, stay away from the lexapro and keep eating healthily (at least until Christmas) and see if the weight loss continues...

So Far So Good

I took the lexapro, and my usual paxil, at 5:30pm.  Then I did 60 minutes of yoga to help relax my body and prepare it for the influx of new chemicals.  By around 7 one of the side effects kicked in: heartburn.  Not terribly pleasant, but not awful either.  Then I had fleeting moments of feeling a bit dizzy and slightly off balance. But it only happened a few times.  I ate dinner and hours later I'm not hungry!! Usually by this time I've dived into a bag of chips or a bagel schmeared with (tofu) creamcheese.  I also got hit by a wave of energy, which I remember happening when I started the paxil (my kitchen was never cleaner than the first few days I was on paxil. I had to burn off that nervous energy somehow!)  To try and wind down I had a cup of peppermint tea and don't feel like I could run a marathon anymore.  I haven't experienced any of the really awful side effects like terrible nausea or diarrhea, but then again I've only been on this thing for 6 hours.  We'll see how I feel in the morning...

Before I go to bed I always pick out what I'm going to wear to work.  In the past this has always been a relatively easy and quick process.  Tonight I stared at my closet going "too small, too tight, waaay too small, that doesn't fit, this doesn't fit" etc.  I finally settled on a pair of khakis that fit fine over the summer, but now I have to wear a long black cardigan with them to cover up my meaty thighs and ass.  60 minutes of yoga just isn't going to cut it. Cardio tomorrow!

The cold, hard truth and a new pill

I saw my psychiatrist first thing this morning and I explained to him my frustration with the weight gain.  He gave me a weak smile and said "Unfortunately, paxil is the biggest weight gainer of the SSRI's.  It messes with your metabolism.  One of my patients is a marathon runner and no matter how much he trains, he has slowly been gaining weight." Greaaaaat.  If a marathon runner can't lose the weight, what makes me think I can??  I did mention to him that I had done some research and found that omega-3 and vitamin E have been found to help increase metabolism and thus promote weight loss.  This may very well be a bunch of bullshit, but the doc said it definitely won't hurt me to try.  He also suggested switching to a different med.  Whoa, hold on now, I've been down this road before and I did not like the ride.  I've tried effexor (it gave me brain zaps), I've tried zoloft (god awful dizziness) and I've tried remeron (another huge weight gainer and made me feel like I had taken a handful of sleeping pills).  Oh and then there was cymbalta which made me feel unbelievably nauseous and caused horrible insomnia.  Besides the weight gain, paxil has been my miracle drug, it gave me back my life!  So instead of stopping the paxil cold turkey, he suggested taking it with another SSRI, lexapro.  In terms of weight gain, it is supposed to be the most neutral of anti-anxiety, anti-depressants - no weight gain, no weight loss.  Naturally, I'm nervous, but I'm up to the challenge.  I currently take 15 mgs of paxil and will add in 10 mgs of lexapro.  I usually take my meds in the morning, but until I know how my body will react to the new pill I'll take them at night. I really don't want to have to deal with unpleasant side effects at the office.  I'm not counting of lexapro to be some magical weight loss pill.  As soon as I got home from work I put on my exercise clothes, turned on the exercise channel and had my butt kicked by a very scary, very ripped woman for 40 minutes. And I'm trying to be good about what I put in my mouth (we'll see how this goes as the holidays draw closer).  All I can do right now is take it one day at a time.

Last Resort

I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but I have fallen victim to "Julie & Julia".  Ever since I saw the movie and read the book I have wanted to start a blog.  But I had a major problem - what would I write about?? Nothing of consequence happens in my life, at least nothing that total strangers would want to read about.  But tonight it hit me.  For weeks now I've been frustrated with the weight I have gained because of paxil. I used to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound (yes, I was one of "those" girls).  Now if I eat a piece of bread I can see it on my ass the next day.  Unbelievably annoying.  I also don't have the discipline or will power that I used to have so I figured if I made the decision, once and for all, to lose this god awful paxil weight, the only way to follow through would be to keep a daily record of my efforts.  And if I help anyone out along the way all the better. 
First, a little background about myself: I'm 29 years old and female.  I started taking paxil in december of 2001 for anxiety and panic disorder.  Looking back on my childhood I can pin point all of my panic attacks, however, at the time I had no idea what was happening to me.  During my sophomore year of college the panic attacks increased to the point where I was having them multiple times a day.  I was terrified to leave my house/dorm and tried various medications without success.  Finally I tried paxil and presto! my anxiety was gone and so were the panic attacks.  I was on 10mgs a day and felt like the old me.  I actually lost a few pounds and then stayed at an even weight.  After college I felt the anxiety slowly begin to creep back so my doctor upped my dosage.  I capped off at 40mgs and gained a crazy amount of weight.  I'm only 5'3" so the slightest weight gain makes a difference.  I went from 115 to 145.  Nothing fit and I had no idea why.  I did some research and discovered that, duh, paxil, along with all of the other meds in the SSRI family, can cause weight gain.  Fantastic.  My anxiety had diminished, but my thighs had exploded.  I finally decided that I felt so great, anxiety wise, that I didn't need the meds anymore.  BIG mistake.  The panic attacks came back with a  vengeance, worse than I had ever experienced.  I was thisclose to committing myself at the local nut house.  Yet even with the severe anxiety and irrational fears spinning around my brain 24/7 I was determined to not go back on paxil.  So my new doctor put me on controlled release xanax.  For the most part, it did the trick.  But I didn't feel as good as I knew I could.  I told myself, "Mere, if you go back on the paxil you can control the weight gain.  This time around you know what you're in for and can be prepared to fight back against the bulge." So I went back on it and again I initially lost weight.  This is awesome, I thought!  I feel like me again and I'm thin! Life is fab!  But up went the dosage and so did my number on the scale.  So here I am , sitting on my couch on a monday night, pledging to all you out there, and most importantly, to myself, to lose the weight!  I'm not looking for a specific number, I just want to fit into my old clothes! They're cute and sassy and I just can't afford a new wardrobe.  Tomorrow I meet with my doctor and I'm going to discuss, hopefully in depth, just why a little yellow pill has made me gain weight like nobody's business.  I'm sure there are others of you out there. Maybe you're on zoloft or some other SSRI, but we're all in the same boat.  I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice.  I'm simply taking a stand and taking back my body. 
Here goes nothing...