Last Resort

I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but I have fallen victim to "Julie & Julia".  Ever since I saw the movie and read the book I have wanted to start a blog.  But I had a major problem - what would I write about?? Nothing of consequence happens in my life, at least nothing that total strangers would want to read about.  But tonight it hit me.  For weeks now I've been frustrated with the weight I have gained because of paxil. I used to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound (yes, I was one of "those" girls).  Now if I eat a piece of bread I can see it on my ass the next day.  Unbelievably annoying.  I also don't have the discipline or will power that I used to have so I figured if I made the decision, once and for all, to lose this god awful paxil weight, the only way to follow through would be to keep a daily record of my efforts.  And if I help anyone out along the way all the better. 
First, a little background about myself: I'm 29 years old and female.  I started taking paxil in december of 2001 for anxiety and panic disorder.  Looking back on my childhood I can pin point all of my panic attacks, however, at the time I had no idea what was happening to me.  During my sophomore year of college the panic attacks increased to the point where I was having them multiple times a day.  I was terrified to leave my house/dorm and tried various medications without success.  Finally I tried paxil and presto! my anxiety was gone and so were the panic attacks.  I was on 10mgs a day and felt like the old me.  I actually lost a few pounds and then stayed at an even weight.  After college I felt the anxiety slowly begin to creep back so my doctor upped my dosage.  I capped off at 40mgs and gained a crazy amount of weight.  I'm only 5'3" so the slightest weight gain makes a difference.  I went from 115 to 145.  Nothing fit and I had no idea why.  I did some research and discovered that, duh, paxil, along with all of the other meds in the SSRI family, can cause weight gain.  Fantastic.  My anxiety had diminished, but my thighs had exploded.  I finally decided that I felt so great, anxiety wise, that I didn't need the meds anymore.  BIG mistake.  The panic attacks came back with a  vengeance, worse than I had ever experienced.  I was thisclose to committing myself at the local nut house.  Yet even with the severe anxiety and irrational fears spinning around my brain 24/7 I was determined to not go back on paxil.  So my new doctor put me on controlled release xanax.  For the most part, it did the trick.  But I didn't feel as good as I knew I could.  I told myself, "Mere, if you go back on the paxil you can control the weight gain.  This time around you know what you're in for and can be prepared to fight back against the bulge." So I went back on it and again I initially lost weight.  This is awesome, I thought!  I feel like me again and I'm thin! Life is fab!  But up went the dosage and so did my number on the scale.  So here I am , sitting on my couch on a monday night, pledging to all you out there, and most importantly, to myself, to lose the weight!  I'm not looking for a specific number, I just want to fit into my old clothes! They're cute and sassy and I just can't afford a new wardrobe.  Tomorrow I meet with my doctor and I'm going to discuss, hopefully in depth, just why a little yellow pill has made me gain weight like nobody's business.  I'm sure there are others of you out there. Maybe you're on zoloft or some other SSRI, but we're all in the same boat.  I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice.  I'm simply taking a stand and taking back my body. 
Here goes nothing...